Lifted

I don't think I have ever been in such a positive mood.  I had wild dreams last night.  I woke up this morning remembering them and felt happy and not so afraid anymore, because I know that everything will be okay--and what's meant to be, will be.  In my heart, I know what's meant to be.  I don't have to be afraid of things not working out, because it will, even if it takes time--and I have patience.  I feel like I know what I am suppose to do, where I need to be, and what's going to happen--and it will.  

But most of all, I figured out what I am going to spend this year doing.  (But it's a secret).  I wish I could better describe how I feel.  I'm lifted--and my minds spinning.  I can hardly keep up.  Could it be the combination of Vitamin B and St. Johns Wort that I took lastnight...and again this morning with a NoDoz?  If so, I recommend it to everyone in the world.  I can't even think straight now I have so many ideas and plans running through my head.  I just keep writing.  I don't even know how long I wrote this morning--I just want to keep writing and writing.  Maybe a book or something.  I have two weeks of free time until school starts.  

Today I am on a quest.  I bought a canvas to paint on this week, a new notebook, and I've got a camera and one roll of film.  I'm leaving a taking pictures--pictures that I have always wanted to take but never had the energy or motivation to get out and do.  I can't wait.  I am going to blow them up and hang them all over my apartment to remember this feeling. 

Wow. Euphoria. 

At The Wheel

i was driving home on the highway this afternoon.  my eyes and mind wander, everywhere but the road.  music can be so hynotising, especially when listened to on a highway that appears endless.  as usual, random thoughts flow through my mind.  certain things i want to remember, but i have no paper. i find a magic marker, and sketch every thought on my hand and arm.  the road becomes invisable to me--until im nearly drifting off it.  cars pass me and im passing cars, i cant tell anymore which is which.  all i know is it doesnt matter.  my desination is home, wherever that is.  i drive closely behind a couple.  i can see and feel their closeness through the back windshield and it makes me sick and angry with envy.  i turn up the volume (led zeppelin--tangerine is now playing on the radio), prop my leg up on the door, light a cigarette and roll down the window. 

This Is How I Feel Today

i remember being younger, playing around in a world that doesnt exist. i had dreams that went on forever. i was going to be a a singer, ballerina, and on tv. i grew up, and those dreams faded away. i got caught up in what was expected of me. in school i would doodle and daydream, id write about love and what it felt like. id create the perfect man.  i was always misunderstood, the dreams i did have were never logical to anyone but me.

well, 

i still think about them--and maybe someday... 

for now, im just waiting until the moment comes. dont tell me, "thats what they all say"...because i wont allow myself to live like this forever. ive been moving around lately from place to place, but its never been far enough. i drive and explore, i get lost sometimes. every now and then i think about how fun it would be to just wake up and drive to where i belong. im getting ready to move again, and get a degree in the only thing i understand. art. im passionate about art, and i wish everyone could see the things i see. lately things havent been so easy, circumstances have put me down. sometimes i think how nice it would be if i just didnt know, the things ive found out. ive put myself here though, and someday ill go back where i started. another month of school and summer will be here. ill mostly be working, to pay the bills that will come again in august. but i want to go somewhere and i have a few ideas running through my head. i do need to get away, and out of here for a moment. 

anytime i can leave and see something new, my dreams become clearer--and i need that right now. i wish i could turn back time 10 years, and start over from there. as ive grown older, i have become so molded and lost sight of who i am. or maybe i am who i am, and i just regret it. i know what its like to be truely happy, and i know what its like to be truely sad. right now im just floating in the middle, i understand things arent the way i ever imagined them to be right now--but i also know that eventually ill know what it feels like again to be living on the other side. 

This is Funny

I wrote this back in the year 2000.  Please take that into consideration. 

My Ideal Guy (if there is such thing):

1.  Someone that calls you at night just before you are about to go to sleep (and he somehow already knows exactly when that is) just to say goodnight. 

2.  Someone romantic. 

3.  Intelligent. 

4.  Someone who will watch romance movies with you.  With popcorn. 

5.  Someone who truly cares about your feelings. 

6.  Someone to go to the mall with on a rainy day. 

7.  Blue eyes!

8.  Someone who cares more than just about "getting some". 

9.  Someone to help you with your homework when you get stuck. 

10.  A best friend, too. 

11.  Someone who let's me meet their family. 

12.  Someone who can make me laugh. 

13.  Someone I can wrap my arms around and hold them. 

14.  Someone who knows how to brighten my day. 

15.  Someone sweet. 

16.  Someone who tells you everything themselves, instead of having their friends tell you. 

17.  Someone to share a song with. 

18.  Someone who will buy you a drink when you are thirsty at the games. 

19.  Someone who offers you their coat when you are cold. 

20.  Someone who talks to you when you are slow dancing. 

21.  Someone who gives you a ride to the dances instead of just "meeting you there". 

22.  Someone who is interesting. 

23.  Someone to have pillow fights with. 

24.  Someone without a bad temper. 

25.  Someone to be comfortable around. 

Oh, how simple things once were...... :)