My Life

Five minutes ago I was sitting in the shower (yes), thinking.  You know, when your mind is going crazy with thoughts and you want to remember everything but don't have a pen and paper in hand so you keep going over the things in your head over and over.  

So after driving myself insane with all of these random thoughts that mean so much (but not really), I got out of the shower and now here I sit, dripping wet. 

I realized today, how blind I really am. 

My heart can feel everything, but my eyes pretend to not see. 

I want to see the sun rise in a different country. 

What is truth...and why can't I know?

I want to feel the feeling that a mother feels when she first sees her newborn child.  An no, I am not saying I want to make babies tomorrow.  I just want to feel that sort of love someday. 

But then again...the thought is almost chilling. 

I want to feel again what it is like to wake up in the morning lying beside the person you love and know that everything is the way it should be.  To feel what it is like to spend my every waking moment enjoying who I am, where I am at, and what I do.  I want people to see me as I am without hiding.  I don't want to feel I've made any mistakes or wrong decisions.  I am ready to grow up.  I feel like I am living a life so childishly right now...in my own little world of dreams and pretend.  I don't want to live this lie forever.  And I don't want to be the girl with a lot of big dreams and no action.  But right now, that is all I am.  Always imagining these things and ideas...but secretly wondering...just wondering?  I feel I am just some lost woman in the middle of this huge world and doesn't even know where to start the journey.  I mean, I do know...but...

Conclusion.  I feel like I'm a broken record. 

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my mind.  I think way too much.  I keep thinking...and thinking...and before I know it, I will have spent my whole life--just thinking. 

I have hope that someday I will do something about the things that beat on my head everyday. 

So my life feels like a movie.  Do you ever have that feeling?  I always kind of watch my life as it's happening like that I guess.  Today, as a viewer, I am quite disappointed.  I hope someday I will wake up from all of this nonsense.  I am just one sappy actress is one never-ending sappy, pathetic movie.  I just keep wishin' for a fairytell.