21

21.

New beginnings.

A bottle of wine.

A new buzz.

A 9 ball.

Japanese flowers.

A piercing pain.

Butterfly ring.

She spreads her wings.

She said start over.

Ready.

Set. Go.

A ticket for a plane.

A year at a time.

A year at a place.

A year to wait.

Great remembrance.

Over.

Anticipation, Gone.

Excitement, Begin.

I will start over.

Beginning now.

Forget you, remember me.

Who am i?

Explore.

No baggage.

Forget you, and forget me.

Forget who I was.

Erase.

A search for clear.

Clean water.

A new that nobody knows.

Fresh water.

From a place i've never dreamed.

A place to claim.

Salt water and sand.

A new mind.

A new memory.

Erase the old.

A new birth.

A new beginning.

?????

I may be slightly tipsy tonight, but I feel like writing words...so you can take it...or you can leave it :)

There is so much inside of me that I want to say, but I can never find the words for the way I feel--so I say nothing.  And I have said nothing for far too long. 

I am always at a loss for words.  Why can't I speak?  My mind is so cluttered.  I am mute, observing...daydreaming...of things that will never, ever happen.  And it is driving me crazy.  I don't want to dream anymore, unless I can spend the rest of my life dreaming. 

I used to be able to write, I can't even do that anymore.  I feel, my words are just words.  You can read the words that I write--but you can't feel them.  They will never make you feel how I feel.  How do you make someone understand, or feel as deeply?  Would you even want to?  You are reading this right now, but you have no idea because can't see through it.  I will write it out, but you will only ever see the words.  So what's my reason?  Myself?  Why do I even bother trying to put my shoes on your feet?  

I am so deep.  I swear.  I am slowly unraveling.  All of a sudden I feel like I have never been myself. 

I don't even know what it feels like to be me. 

I look in the mirror, and I can't even see myself.  I mean, physically, I can--a mess of hair and blank eyes.  But there is nothing inside.  How can you possibly know yourself one day, and forget the next?

I can't find the energy to move my feet from the ground...and it's all I want.  I just want to be able to move. 

I was fine when I woke up today.  I can't figure out what has triggered me to see everything so different so abruptly.  Perhaps I just stepped outside of "my world" for a second and back into the "real world".  I am pretty sure I would like to go back where I came from.  I don't like feeling this way--alone. 

I am so stuck in memories and can't let go of anything.  How do you forget so easily?

I am way too young to have fallen as hard as I have...and way to young to not be able to move on from it.  How can it be so easy for people to start over?  I have tried, believe me.  And it is ironic, because I love change...but in this situation, I can't bring myself there.  Some days I want to stay here, just waiting.  Others, I want to live...outside of it.  Move on from it, in search for something different.  But whenever something different comes around, I run from it.  I know what I want, and I don't want anything else.  I can't explain it. 

My Philosophy:  We may try to move on, but the past will always remain--whether it daunts us or keeps us alive.  We are always waiting.  And hoping for that moment of happiness to trickle in and for satisfaction to return again.  Our lives are made of dreams that we cannot help but stay alive for--to live them. 

Is it okay to walk away from the things that make us cry...or make us smile?  Is it okay to in a moment and not say a word?  There is so much I want to say...about the things that change me.  But I stay silent and walk away...when really, I just want to stay.

We are all searching for what makes everything "okay".  We may have found, and lost.  I watched.  I never slipped...but apparently, I am gone. 

Sweetness!

So I randomly entered a picture of mine into the art show at Longview...and they ended up buying it for $250!! How the heck did that happen? Anyway, fine by me! ;)

A True Crisis

There is a spider that has been hanging out on my ceiling, above my bed, for almost THREE days now.  I don't know how to go about getting rid of him, because quite frankly I am terrified of the thing.  I just keep watching him.  I wake up in the middle of the night and make sure he is still there.  This spider is driving me absolutely nuts.  And to make matters worse, I now have a wasp that slipped into my apartment to join the party.  What to do, what to do.... 

Yum

I have spaghetti, but no spaghetti sauce.  I have pizza sauce, but no pizza.  I think I will fix my spaghetti with pizza sauce.  Super. 

Moving

So...April's here and this is my last month of living in Kansas City.  It just hit me today, that I'm kind of sad to be leaving. 

I'll miss my drives to school and mornings when Longview Lake is covered with fog, or evenings when the sun sets over the lake...taking pictures of that lake.  Or always being mesmorized every time I pass the most beautiful pasture I've ever seen.  Exploring Kansas City and the small towns around it...always finding some place new and beautiful.  I remember one time I kept driving down "Red Bridge Road"...past the red bridge, and then came to this amazing park that was literally covered with geese.  I'll miss passing "the old lady" waiting for the bus in the afternoon...who once, on Valentines Day waved to me.  I'll miss listening to the cars speeding down the highway at night when I'm going to bed.  I'll miss my yellow apartment, and all the stray cats that hang around it.  I'll miss good restraunts, like the Mongolian Grill.  I'll miss breaking the speed limit everyday, just because I've found out I can get away with it.  I'll miss the variety of people I see everyday that you don't normally see in small towns.  The friendly mexicans at the 7-11 where I buy my cigarettes at.  Being able to buy groceries at a different place every time I need something.  Target.  I'll miss taking Yoga classes with all of the old ladies...wondering if someday I'll be one of them.  I'll miss having a fireplace in my room.  Watching stupid shows like Blind Date or Elimadate late at night when I can't go to bed. On weekends, hearing my neighbors loud music through the walls throughout the entire night.  I may even miss the days when I had a roomate to go swim or play tennis with at the apartment. 

Anyways, Hasta La Vista KC. 

My Wonderful Spring Break

There is something funny about getting fast food on Bannister Road.  It has happened twice now that I have gotten more money back than I was suppose to at Wendys.  And then tonight at Taco Bell, I got a kids meal and asked if I could get nachos instead of cinnamon twists.  The guy told me "no, it comes with cinnamon twists--not nachos".  But when I got my food, I had nachos and cinnamon twists--no extra charge!  As long as I live in this place, I will no longer get fast food anywhere else but Bannister Road.  Even if it is ghettoville. 

So there are 2 more days left of Spring Break.  And for the most part it has been pretty predictable.  Me and Zoe both had doctors appointments--neither with good news.  She is overweight (no more table scraps for her), and well, I have my own problems.  I feel I have been to the doctor too often lately.  Most of the time I don't even know why I am even there.  

But anywho.  Me and Taryn did have one fun day at Wal-Mart though.  We bought ourselves a ridiculous leopard shawl for 3 bucks just to take ridiculous pictures in to hopefully someday look back on and laugh our asses off at what dorks we were.  Taryn also managed to get a brush severely tangled in her hair over break.  Of course, I came to the rescue...and like a pro, I cut the brush right out.  I also let Zoe inside to play during a storm, which is against strict family rules..."No Monsters Inside The House".  Luckily, she was on her best behavior and no real damage was done. 

And that's all my friends.  To all those springbreakers hanging out on the beach sipping on fruity mixed drinks out of a coconut with a fancy straw and umbrella...I hate you :)

My Life

Five minutes ago I was sitting in the shower (yes), thinking.  You know, when your mind is going crazy with thoughts and you want to remember everything but don't have a pen and paper in hand so you keep going over the things in your head over and over.  

So after driving myself insane with all of these random thoughts that mean so much (but not really), I got out of the shower and now here I sit, dripping wet. 

I realized today, how blind I really am. 

My heart can feel everything, but my eyes pretend to not see. 

I want to see the sun rise in a different country. 

What is truth...and why can't I know?

I want to feel the feeling that a mother feels when she first sees her newborn child.  An no, I am not saying I want to make babies tomorrow.  I just want to feel that sort of love someday. 

But then again...the thought is almost chilling. 

I want to feel again what it is like to wake up in the morning lying beside the person you love and know that everything is the way it should be.  To feel what it is like to spend my every waking moment enjoying who I am, where I am at, and what I do.  I want people to see me as I am without hiding.  I don't want to feel I've made any mistakes or wrong decisions.  I am ready to grow up.  I feel like I am living a life so childishly right now...in my own little world of dreams and pretend.  I don't want to live this lie forever.  And I don't want to be the girl with a lot of big dreams and no action.  But right now, that is all I am.  Always imagining these things and ideas...but secretly wondering...just wondering?  I feel I am just some lost woman in the middle of this huge world and doesn't even know where to start the journey.  I mean, I do know...but...

Conclusion.  I feel like I'm a broken record. 

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my mind.  I think way too much.  I keep thinking...and thinking...and before I know it, I will have spent my whole life--just thinking. 

I have hope that someday I will do something about the things that beat on my head everyday. 

So my life feels like a movie.  Do you ever have that feeling?  I always kind of watch my life as it's happening like that I guess.  Today, as a viewer, I am quite disappointed.  I hope someday I will wake up from all of this nonsense.  I am just one sappy actress is one never-ending sappy, pathetic movie.  I just keep wishin' for a fairytell. 

Locks of Love, Baby

I have sent my hair off to someone who needed it more than I.  Of course I have captured my last moments with my no longer attached 11 inches.  It was kind of sad, but I'm over it.

Lifted

I don't think I have ever been in such a positive mood.  I had wild dreams last night.  I woke up this morning remembering them and felt happy and not so afraid anymore, because I know that everything will be okay--and what's meant to be, will be.  In my heart, I know what's meant to be.  I don't have to be afraid of things not working out, because it will, even if it takes time--and I have patience.  I feel like I know what I am suppose to do, where I need to be, and what's going to happen--and it will.  

But most of all, I figured out what I am going to spend this year doing.  (But it's a secret).  I wish I could better describe how I feel.  I'm lifted--and my minds spinning.  I can hardly keep up.  Could it be the combination of Vitamin B and St. Johns Wort that I took lastnight...and again this morning with a NoDoz?  If so, I recommend it to everyone in the world.  I can't even think straight now I have so many ideas and plans running through my head.  I just keep writing.  I don't even know how long I wrote this morning--I just want to keep writing and writing.  Maybe a book or something.  I have two weeks of free time until school starts.  

Today I am on a quest.  I bought a canvas to paint on this week, a new notebook, and I've got a camera and one roll of film.  I'm leaving a taking pictures--pictures that I have always wanted to take but never had the energy or motivation to get out and do.  I can't wait.  I am going to blow them up and hang them all over my apartment to remember this feeling. 

Wow. Euphoria.