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I may be slightly tipsy tonight, but I feel like writing words...so you can take it...or you can leave it :)

There is so much inside of me that I want to say, but I can never find the words for the way I feel--so I say nothing.  And I have said nothing for far too long. 

I am always at a loss for words.  Why can't I speak?  My mind is so cluttered.  I am mute, observing...daydreaming...of things that will never, ever happen.  And it is driving me crazy.  I don't want to dream anymore, unless I can spend the rest of my life dreaming. 

I used to be able to write, I can't even do that anymore.  I feel, my words are just words.  You can read the words that I write--but you can't feel them.  They will never make you feel how I feel.  How do you make someone understand, or feel as deeply?  Would you even want to?  You are reading this right now, but you have no idea because can't see through it.  I will write it out, but you will only ever see the words.  So what's my reason?  Myself?  Why do I even bother trying to put my shoes on your feet?  

I am so deep.  I swear.  I am slowly unraveling.  All of a sudden I feel like I have never been myself. 

I don't even know what it feels like to be me. 

I look in the mirror, and I can't even see myself.  I mean, physically, I can--a mess of hair and blank eyes.  But there is nothing inside.  How can you possibly know yourself one day, and forget the next?

I can't find the energy to move my feet from the ground...and it's all I want.  I just want to be able to move. 

I was fine when I woke up today.  I can't figure out what has triggered me to see everything so different so abruptly.  Perhaps I just stepped outside of "my world" for a second and back into the "real world".  I am pretty sure I would like to go back where I came from.  I don't like feeling this way--alone. 

I am so stuck in memories and can't let go of anything.  How do you forget so easily?

I am way too young to have fallen as hard as I have...and way to young to not be able to move on from it.  How can it be so easy for people to start over?  I have tried, believe me.  And it is ironic, because I love change...but in this situation, I can't bring myself there.  Some days I want to stay here, just waiting.  Others, I want to live...outside of it.  Move on from it, in search for something different.  But whenever something different comes around, I run from it.  I know what I want, and I don't want anything else.  I can't explain it. 

My Philosophy:  We may try to move on, but the past will always remain--whether it daunts us or keeps us alive.  We are always waiting.  And hoping for that moment of happiness to trickle in and for satisfaction to return again.  Our lives are made of dreams that we cannot help but stay alive for--to live them. 

Is it okay to walk away from the things that make us cry...or make us smile?  Is it okay to in a moment and not say a word?  There is so much I want to say...about the things that change me.  But I stay silent and walk away...when really, I just want to stay.

We are all searching for what makes everything "okay".  We may have found, and lost.  I watched.  I never slipped...but apparently, I am gone.