A True Crisis

There is a spider that has been hanging out on my ceiling, above my bed, for almost THREE days now.  I don't know how to go about getting rid of him, because quite frankly I am terrified of the thing.  I just keep watching him.  I wake up in the middle of the night and make sure he is still there.  This spider is driving me absolutely nuts.  And to make matters worse, I now have a wasp that slipped into my apartment to join the party.  What to do, what to do.... 

Yum

I have spaghetti, but no spaghetti sauce.  I have pizza sauce, but no pizza.  I think I will fix my spaghetti with pizza sauce.  Super. 

Moving

So...April's here and this is my last month of living in Kansas City.  It just hit me today, that I'm kind of sad to be leaving. 

I'll miss my drives to school and mornings when Longview Lake is covered with fog, or evenings when the sun sets over the lake...taking pictures of that lake.  Or always being mesmorized every time I pass the most beautiful pasture I've ever seen.  Exploring Kansas City and the small towns around it...always finding some place new and beautiful.  I remember one time I kept driving down "Red Bridge Road"...past the red bridge, and then came to this amazing park that was literally covered with geese.  I'll miss passing "the old lady" waiting for the bus in the afternoon...who once, on Valentines Day waved to me.  I'll miss listening to the cars speeding down the highway at night when I'm going to bed.  I'll miss my yellow apartment, and all the stray cats that hang around it.  I'll miss good restraunts, like the Mongolian Grill.  I'll miss breaking the speed limit everyday, just because I've found out I can get away with it.  I'll miss the variety of people I see everyday that you don't normally see in small towns.  The friendly mexicans at the 7-11 where I buy my cigarettes at.  Being able to buy groceries at a different place every time I need something.  Target.  I'll miss taking Yoga classes with all of the old ladies...wondering if someday I'll be one of them.  I'll miss having a fireplace in my room.  Watching stupid shows like Blind Date or Elimadate late at night when I can't go to bed. On weekends, hearing my neighbors loud music through the walls throughout the entire night.  I may even miss the days when I had a roomate to go swim or play tennis with at the apartment. 

Anyways, Hasta La Vista KC. 

My Wonderful Spring Break

There is something funny about getting fast food on Bannister Road.  It has happened twice now that I have gotten more money back than I was suppose to at Wendys.  And then tonight at Taco Bell, I got a kids meal and asked if I could get nachos instead of cinnamon twists.  The guy told me "no, it comes with cinnamon twists--not nachos".  But when I got my food, I had nachos and cinnamon twists--no extra charge!  As long as I live in this place, I will no longer get fast food anywhere else but Bannister Road.  Even if it is ghettoville. 

So there are 2 more days left of Spring Break.  And for the most part it has been pretty predictable.  Me and Zoe both had doctors appointments--neither with good news.  She is overweight (no more table scraps for her), and well, I have my own problems.  I feel I have been to the doctor too often lately.  Most of the time I don't even know why I am even there.  

But anywho.  Me and Taryn did have one fun day at Wal-Mart though.  We bought ourselves a ridiculous leopard shawl for 3 bucks just to take ridiculous pictures in to hopefully someday look back on and laugh our asses off at what dorks we were.  Taryn also managed to get a brush severely tangled in her hair over break.  Of course, I came to the rescue...and like a pro, I cut the brush right out.  I also let Zoe inside to play during a storm, which is against strict family rules..."No Monsters Inside The House".  Luckily, she was on her best behavior and no real damage was done. 

And that's all my friends.  To all those springbreakers hanging out on the beach sipping on fruity mixed drinks out of a coconut with a fancy straw and umbrella...I hate you :)

My Life

Five minutes ago I was sitting in the shower (yes), thinking.  You know, when your mind is going crazy with thoughts and you want to remember everything but don't have a pen and paper in hand so you keep going over the things in your head over and over.  

So after driving myself insane with all of these random thoughts that mean so much (but not really), I got out of the shower and now here I sit, dripping wet. 

I realized today, how blind I really am. 

My heart can feel everything, but my eyes pretend to not see. 

I want to see the sun rise in a different country. 

What is truth...and why can't I know?

I want to feel the feeling that a mother feels when she first sees her newborn child.  An no, I am not saying I want to make babies tomorrow.  I just want to feel that sort of love someday. 

But then again...the thought is almost chilling. 

I want to feel again what it is like to wake up in the morning lying beside the person you love and know that everything is the way it should be.  To feel what it is like to spend my every waking moment enjoying who I am, where I am at, and what I do.  I want people to see me as I am without hiding.  I don't want to feel I've made any mistakes or wrong decisions.  I am ready to grow up.  I feel like I am living a life so childishly right now...in my own little world of dreams and pretend.  I don't want to live this lie forever.  And I don't want to be the girl with a lot of big dreams and no action.  But right now, that is all I am.  Always imagining these things and ideas...but secretly wondering...just wondering?  I feel I am just some lost woman in the middle of this huge world and doesn't even know where to start the journey.  I mean, I do know...but...

Conclusion.  I feel like I'm a broken record. 

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my mind.  I think way too much.  I keep thinking...and thinking...and before I know it, I will have spent my whole life--just thinking. 

I have hope that someday I will do something about the things that beat on my head everyday. 

So my life feels like a movie.  Do you ever have that feeling?  I always kind of watch my life as it's happening like that I guess.  Today, as a viewer, I am quite disappointed.  I hope someday I will wake up from all of this nonsense.  I am just one sappy actress is one never-ending sappy, pathetic movie.  I just keep wishin' for a fairytell. 

Locks of Love, Baby

I have sent my hair off to someone who needed it more than I.  Of course I have captured my last moments with my no longer attached 11 inches.  It was kind of sad, but I'm over it.

Lifted

I don't think I have ever been in such a positive mood.  I had wild dreams last night.  I woke up this morning remembering them and felt happy and not so afraid anymore, because I know that everything will be okay--and what's meant to be, will be.  In my heart, I know what's meant to be.  I don't have to be afraid of things not working out, because it will, even if it takes time--and I have patience.  I feel like I know what I am suppose to do, where I need to be, and what's going to happen--and it will.  

But most of all, I figured out what I am going to spend this year doing.  (But it's a secret).  I wish I could better describe how I feel.  I'm lifted--and my minds spinning.  I can hardly keep up.  Could it be the combination of Vitamin B and St. Johns Wort that I took lastnight...and again this morning with a NoDoz?  If so, I recommend it to everyone in the world.  I can't even think straight now I have so many ideas and plans running through my head.  I just keep writing.  I don't even know how long I wrote this morning--I just want to keep writing and writing.  Maybe a book or something.  I have two weeks of free time until school starts.  

Today I am on a quest.  I bought a canvas to paint on this week, a new notebook, and I've got a camera and one roll of film.  I'm leaving a taking pictures--pictures that I have always wanted to take but never had the energy or motivation to get out and do.  I can't wait.  I am going to blow them up and hang them all over my apartment to remember this feeling. 

Wow. Euphoria. 

At The Wheel

i was driving home on the highway this afternoon.  my eyes and mind wander, everywhere but the road.  music can be so hynotising, especially when listened to on a highway that appears endless.  as usual, random thoughts flow through my mind.  certain things i want to remember, but i have no paper. i find a magic marker, and sketch every thought on my hand and arm.  the road becomes invisable to me--until im nearly drifting off it.  cars pass me and im passing cars, i cant tell anymore which is which.  all i know is it doesnt matter.  my desination is home, wherever that is.  i drive closely behind a couple.  i can see and feel their closeness through the back windshield and it makes me sick and angry with envy.  i turn up the volume (led zeppelin--tangerine is now playing on the radio), prop my leg up on the door, light a cigarette and roll down the window. 

This Is How I Feel Today

i remember being younger, playing around in a world that doesnt exist. i had dreams that went on forever. i was going to be a a singer, ballerina, and on tv. i grew up, and those dreams faded away. i got caught up in what was expected of me. in school i would doodle and daydream, id write about love and what it felt like. id create the perfect man.  i was always misunderstood, the dreams i did have were never logical to anyone but me.

well, 

i still think about them--and maybe someday... 

for now, im just waiting until the moment comes. dont tell me, "thats what they all say"...because i wont allow myself to live like this forever. ive been moving around lately from place to place, but its never been far enough. i drive and explore, i get lost sometimes. every now and then i think about how fun it would be to just wake up and drive to where i belong. im getting ready to move again, and get a degree in the only thing i understand. art. im passionate about art, and i wish everyone could see the things i see. lately things havent been so easy, circumstances have put me down. sometimes i think how nice it would be if i just didnt know, the things ive found out. ive put myself here though, and someday ill go back where i started. another month of school and summer will be here. ill mostly be working, to pay the bills that will come again in august. but i want to go somewhere and i have a few ideas running through my head. i do need to get away, and out of here for a moment. 

anytime i can leave and see something new, my dreams become clearer--and i need that right now. i wish i could turn back time 10 years, and start over from there. as ive grown older, i have become so molded and lost sight of who i am. or maybe i am who i am, and i just regret it. i know what its like to be truely happy, and i know what its like to be truely sad. right now im just floating in the middle, i understand things arent the way i ever imagined them to be right now--but i also know that eventually ill know what it feels like again to be living on the other side. 

This is Funny

I wrote this back in the year 2000.  Please take that into consideration. 

My Ideal Guy (if there is such thing):

1.  Someone that calls you at night just before you are about to go to sleep (and he somehow already knows exactly when that is) just to say goodnight. 

2.  Someone romantic. 

3.  Intelligent. 

4.  Someone who will watch romance movies with you.  With popcorn. 

5.  Someone who truly cares about your feelings. 

6.  Someone to go to the mall with on a rainy day. 

7.  Blue eyes!

8.  Someone who cares more than just about "getting some". 

9.  Someone to help you with your homework when you get stuck. 

10.  A best friend, too. 

11.  Someone who let's me meet their family. 

12.  Someone who can make me laugh. 

13.  Someone I can wrap my arms around and hold them. 

14.  Someone who knows how to brighten my day. 

15.  Someone sweet. 

16.  Someone who tells you everything themselves, instead of having their friends tell you. 

17.  Someone to share a song with. 

18.  Someone who will buy you a drink when you are thirsty at the games. 

19.  Someone who offers you their coat when you are cold. 

20.  Someone who talks to you when you are slow dancing. 

21.  Someone who gives you a ride to the dances instead of just "meeting you there". 

22.  Someone who is interesting. 

23.  Someone to have pillow fights with. 

24.  Someone without a bad temper. 

25.  Someone to be comfortable around. 

Oh, how simple things once were...... :)